But, right now I am talking about how we call them….. ‘kids’ . The ones who are almost teenagers and who are already teens. How conveniently we categorize them according to our needs and moods. For things we think they are not too big, we call them kids and for things they don’t want to do we call them grown ups.

To give it a clear thought, this specific age of 11-16 is more confusing and tough for a child than the adults. We, as adults atleast know how to conduct at a place or what are our responsibilities or what is our defined job . But these preteens and teens, they are juggling between what to do and what not to do. And this is where their attitude changes, they experience mood swings, sudden outburst of emotions, sometimes rude, sometimes sitting in their room with the door shut. Naturally, we as parents take this as arrogance, bad company, over or misuse of technology and gadgets.

I wouldn’t completely disagree to the above factors because somewhere I have also been experiencing these things. But on the other hand, after committing blunders, misunderstanding and being more than strict I realized that things are not heading the right way….. infact, I am pushing the boundaries in the opposite direction. With changing times, it is very easy for children to distract themselves or distance themselves from society, friends and even parents. these days kids feel that giving a hug to your parents is not so cool, it is not acceptable if we say a ‘no’ for any demand.

But to think it over, isn’t this what we did, fulfilled almost everything that came out of their mouth … when your kid wanted a hug you were busy in the kitchen or when she disobeyed you , you gave her a good ear full. that’s when gradually your child started distancing herself from you in her subconscious mind. That’s when she thought it is better to be with the phone than with mom. When the advise of a friend seems to be consoling, chatting with them feels far better than spending time at home.

But then, the gap has to be bridged somewhere, a connecting line has to be drawn from your end till her  end. You need to cross that bridge, have a lot (i mean a lot more than a lot) of patience, sometimes just subside that anger building up within you at an unpleasant tone or a shut door. Spend time with your grown up little one because that’s what they really want. They really want to talk, to share, to speak but to a friend, not to a mom or a dad who is ready to give them advise after every sentence. They should not fear talking about their thoughts to you. They are in a vulnerable stage where they feel trapped but want to get liberated. But its difficult to decide how and how much.

When your child reaches your height, its time to lower your hand from her head to her shoulder, become a friend, a confidante .Its ok to ignore the marks or studies sometimes, its ok to ignore the small mistakes at times, its important to also guide and instruct and also discipline them, but in a manner that does not offend or hurt them. We need to be sensitive towards our child’s feelings because they are facing such changes in their head that it becomes difficult for them to decipher it.
Be a parent, be a guide, be a teacher, but most of all , be a friend because your child can really be your best friend.

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When you tease a person or look down upon him or make him feel awkward about some of his personality traits that not only develops an inferiority complex in that being but also portrays how short on esteem you are to stoop so low.

Bullying might be in fashion these days, so common especially in youngsters but it is a silent sickness. One that spreads, one that changes you.

There are people who trouble you or tease you everywhere, but do you know….. at times, without even realising YOU are your own biggest bully.

Yes, you heard me right. Unconsciously or subconsciously we sometimes bully ourselves the most. That creates a barrier in our minds, a negative mindset towards people, towards things and most of all towards ourselves.

Off late, i have been realising that how difficult it is for me to hear something nice about myself. How tough it is to just look at the mirror and appreciate myself without having a thought that this color doesn’t suit me or i am looking a bit too plump in this dress.

Before doing anything i first cross check myself that will i be able to do it and after finishing the job, there is still an uncertainty whether what i did was upto the mark or not. So, when I repeatedly remind myself of my shortcomings i am somewhere giving myself an affirmation and settling it deep down . I criticise myself more often and judge even more. So am i my biggest bully? Yes, definitely i am.

Can i do anything about it?

Most certainly i can.

It is not a one day job. I know i am chubby, but am i comfortable in my skin? If the answer is no, then can i do something about it? Yes i can and yes i am working towards it. But its not an easy process, so should i quit or start self depreciating myself. If i cant do either, then i need to have patience and slowly walk towards my goal, be it tough or uncomfortable.

I can remind myself about the results during the process and consciously make an effort to feel good about who i am….. to accept a compliment, to mend my ways, to walk on the road to improvement, to accept how and who i am and to fix a goal who i want to be.

I am literate still ignorant about many things. And what did i do about it? I told myself that i shall make mistakes because i did, in judging people, in taking decisions, being over dependent… and this happened because i thought i did not have the capability to do it. I demeaned my own self …. yes, i bullied my own self.

Today, i learnt something new, to work on an app….. maybe a small little thing which i thought i could never do, and just then i felt that why was i telling myself all this while that i can’t do it. And it felt good, real good to know that i crossed my self created boundary by an inch. My people who really know me, instill that faith in me, yet i dwindle myself.

Last few months taught me to be able to accept myself, to make changes where i can, to sincerely work on things i need to and to smile at myself if i have done something right. Most of all agree and accept that yes i can do something right. It is neither too easy or a one day process….. But it needs to start somewhere somehow someday!!

I am not perfect, but can i do something to work on my imperfections??? Yes, i can!!! And i shall start by stop bullying myself.

P.S- Confessing, because it will only start when i accept.

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I would be wrong in saying that situations don’t confront you and stop you from doing something. There are times when you really can’t help it or you are just bound not to do something.

But rest of the times, we just tend to give excuses because we could not do something, or fulfill a commitment . Excuses are  spontaneous, and once you start off you just can’t stop. Its like a virus and sometimes you even give excuses where its not needed at all.  

We all know what we want and what we do not. Confusing your own self and others doesn’t make anything better. If you really want something you will do it… you will make way for it…. that will be your priority…. And if you don’t, then its simple that its not very important for you atleast at that moment. We don’t just give excuses to others, we give the biggest and silliest excuses to our own self. I couldn’t do it this time, I was not well….. I couldn’t finish it, because I did not get time I was so busy….. that’s where you get caught in your own trap! 

We also tend to make an excuse so that the other person doesn’t feel bad. We don’t want to do something and don’t want the other person to feel hurt so instantly ‘the guests came over’ or ‘my maid fled away’ excuse comes forth. If you don’t want to go or are late to office your car breaks down or you meet with an accident excuse is ready. You haven’t called a person since many days although you have been thinking to and just then he/she calls and the life saving statement ‘ the phone was right in my hand and I was about to call you’ is right there even before you say a ‘hello’.  I can confess this happens to me more than often  

But do you know actually…. In real…. Someone once told me a sentence that  got stuck in my head….       “ we say we can’t , but what we really mean is ‘we don’t want to “. 

Since then, before giving an excuse or thinking of doing this later I think that is it my priority or am I just lazy not to do it now. We seldom think, I’ll do it later, but how sure can you be that you will have that later!!!! If you have to and you really want to do something, do it now. Make that five minutes phone call now, everybody has that much time out of 24hrs. Go meet someone if you want to, or when you know that person needs you. Do not commit a ‘yes’ when you know it’s a ‘no’, it might break somebody’s heart. When the other person expects, scolds or explains, the person cares for you, knows what you can and what you can’t.  

Maybe this is all true for me and I am the biggest example of making excuses because I ‘feel’ i might not be able to do it, but now I am making a conscious effort of giving away this habit. Procrastinating is like a drug which gets into you and doesn’t leave you that easy. So now, I shall stop giving excuses to myself because that’s where it starts from.

Make your life simple, stop giving excuses for what you don’t want to do and start doing what you want to. Make excuses or make changes, the choice is yours!  

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

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You became a mother not because you had to, but because you wanted to. After that you totally forget what you are until something reminds you or hits you bad. Why do we mothers go on a guilt trip if we are dying out of hunger and eat before feeding the baby, or don’t wake up at the first cry at 3am or if the baby leaves the last two spoons of food. I mean its ok, if you eat first, you are hungry and the baby will take an hour to eat, at least you will not get irritated out of hunger. Its ok if sometimes your husband wakes up at night to soothe the little one or you hand her over to someone else for a while and take a short nap!  

We mothers get so psyched up that if you sit back and think you’ll feel you are behaving like a crazy person. You give up on your sleep, on your diet, on your hobbies, on your outings. Your temperament goes for a toss and you still feel you are lacking somewhere. Phew!! Lot of thinking to do!!  

Being a mother is no doubt the best thing one can feel or imagine or experience but one thing which I learnt is that to nurture that little bud you don’t have to lose yourself. There are some very simple things which I would like to share with all of you which for sure I am going to practice I hope from now on; 

Sleep- sleep is a very big factor affecting your mood and health. With a new born or a toddler it is very difficult to catch on sufficient amount of sleep. But you somehow need to work on it. Your baby can stay with someone for an hour while you take a nap. Also, its not a crime if you sleep when the baby sleeps. Work is never ending and it can wait. The piling on of sleep makes you restless, irritable and of course makes you look bad which you definitely don’t want. 

Eat well- diet is something which we very easily neglect. Just eating anything does not work for women. A lady, be it working or a homemaker is on her toes till she finally can’t walk anymore. So, a proper meal accompanied by mid meals is a must. Nobody else, trust me nobody else is going to feed you all the time so you are the one who has to be careful about your food. You need to feed your baby and for that you need nutrition and energy. Just a little more veggies or eggs or grabbing a fruit while standing in the kitchen is always allowed. Don’t worry about the weight, you can always manage it. 

Exercise – Never ever give up on your exercise. Especially after you are a mom, your body undergoes so many changes, problems, health issues, that regular exercise like yoga is very important. You just don’t feel fresh but it also helps in keeping you sane. 

Friends and Outings – Don’t forget you still have friends and once in a while you can go out with them with or without your child. Don’t give up on your friends or your personal life because once you lose things you keep on losing them. Your baby is going to love going out with you and you enjoy every phase of seeing her grow. She will also experience different things with you.  Its cold or hot, nothing can touch her when you are around. 

Smile- This is the biggest mantra. After a child we say we changed as a person, we get so angry, so irritated. But what we do, reflects on our child. Try to stay calm and happy by ignoring small things around you. By turning your face towards unwanted things, by being who you are actually, by doing something that brings happiness to you. By not cribbing over everything and sometimes doing what you like.  A child who sees a happy mother always stays happy.  

I am sure everyone knows all this, but a little knock on the head is sometimes good. 

You chose to be a mother, don’t sacrifice yourself. The biggest treat or gift you can give your child is a happy YOU!

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Yes, some day or the other we do think about this. During a conversation which can also turn into an argument or a disagreement we can often experience some rough exchange of words. It might not be loud, but can still hit you hard. Or you might just feel that this is not true or its not like that but you choose to stay silent at that moment.

That silence can be out of respect, a compromise, fear of situation going worse, or just staying inferior because your partner or the other person has dominating qualities.
It might also happen that the topic has gone so far that you simply want to end it now so keeping low key is what you prefer. But, that can also create contradictory effects.
Your staying silent can even be misunderstood. For what you did not say you might get to hear what you actually did not mean.

Speak up my friend, speak up what your heart yells, speak when you feel that something happening or being told to you is not right…. Speak up even if it sometimes is the truth and strikes the other person. Its not just the matter of wrong or right, at times its also about your self respect, about your conscience, about your feelings.
Do not wait for the day to come when you regret and the ‘i wish i had spoken up’ comes to you.

Never be ashamed to say sorry, and never back out when it is your chance to stand.

If, what if, maybe, i wish…. dont waste your time thinking and complicating.
Life may give you a hundred chances but you never know which one is the hundredth.

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When you and the other person are almost on the same lines, asserting similar thoughts yet differ in opinion. You both literally mean the same thing, still fail to fathom the fact of the other persons feelings.

You mean no harm or disrespect but your words are misinterpreted and you don’t have a way out to put it right.

Yes, this is exactly when trying to understand each other turns into disagreeing with each other.

At times you just want the other person to listen. To accept what you say without any judgements, any questions, any assertion.
Just a simple clear talk without the fear of being misunderstood.

Sometimes, agreeing to disagree is also a way out. Probably a neat, cleaner way to conclude a discussion. Winning is not always necessary and especially from a person who is already fragile at the moment, who has come to seek comfort in you, who wants a shoulder to lean on, an open mind to listen, maybe not always but just for that moment.

Listening to someone without disagreeing can comfort a troubled mind who just needs some rest. if i am coming to you it does not mean i cannot handle myself, eventually everybody can and everybody does, its just that i trust you and you hold a place which i value, not just words, every so often intentions and feelings behind them can be sought-after.

When one is in a vulnerable position, you’ll be at a higher place bringing her/him to a comfortable corner, by providing a sense of comfort, assuring that you know what is she going through. One shares only when one loves. Being practical can rest for a while when there is a whirlwind of emotions. Even the strongest can lie down for a while, even the wittiest can stammer, even the toughest can cry.

A conversation about how you feel should be fearless and should not end in an argument.
If it does, you are already in a wrong position, pouring your self in a already full glass which doesn’t have the capacity to hold any more.

You can have your turn to win or express but for once….. please listen…. maybe someone needs you then! Maybe, we need to realise that giving in for a while does not mean giving up.

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A couple of years ago one such incident happened with me, which is enduring. Something that not only touched my heart but could be felt by my soul. I am forever indebted to that benevolent selfless human who is usually misinterpreted by our society.

It was around 2 in the afternoon and after dropping my daughter home from school I had to make a quick visit to the market which was a little far off from my place.

On my usual way, falls a signal wherein this lady is mostly there taking turns from car to car showering blessings irrelevant of whether she got something or not. I had been noticing her since past 7-8 years and there was this strange smiling relation that we had developed. Everytime she came to my window, I would hand her some decent amount and with a very sweet smile she used to say some kinds words and move on. An occasional ‘how are you’ had become common.

That day when I was at the signal waiting for it to turn green, I did not see her anywhere. I assumed she might not have come as it was an extremely hot summer afternoon. As the signal turned yellow, she appeared out of nowhere right in front of my car signalling me to stop.

At first, I was baffled as there was continuous honking behind me and I was blocking the traffic. But the other thought that came to my mind was maybe she was in trouble and wanted my help. So, somehow I squeezed my way out and parked my car at one side of the road. She came rushing towards me and was indicating me to come out of the car. Now I had second thoughts about it because delhi as everyone knows is not a very safe place to get off your car when some stranger tells you to. But, as I said, I had a good feeling about her and so I did get off.

To my bewilderment, I saw there was incessant smoke gushing out of the left tyre of my car. I was aghast to see that. She told me that this was the reason why she stopped me and is amazed how come none of the other cars around noticed this or warn me about it.

It was dangerous, could be anything…. I was nervous and scared….. especially because I was 8 months pregnant then.

She already knew my condition as i was crossing her way since the last couple of months. I immediately called my husband and to my good luck he picked up his phone within a couple of rings. One might guess that’s mandatory especially when your pregnant wife is calling you!!! I described everything to him and he helped me calm down and not to panic. It was just some fault in the tyre which can be fixed. God knows how relieved I was to hear that.

He was obviously already out of office and on his way to where I was. But it was a 20 minute drive and that heat in my condition was not helping. By the time I could think of anything, that kind lady managed to get a chair for me along with some bottled water. I did not understand from where did she manage that but she did. So, I sat down as I really needed to catch my breath and water felt like heaven. I did not dare to go near my car to get my bottle. After 5 minutes when I was feeling fine I thanked her and told her to carry on with her work as I could see the signal turning red again and again.

Her graciousness made her stand there asking me repeatedly if I was feeling well and I needed something. To my amazement, two other people came who were her associates to ask if they could do anything or call a mechanic or just get me something. By then, to my relief my husband arrived. He clearly saw I was stressed  and handed me his car keys telling me to go home.

We turned towards Rajkumari….. yes, her name is Rajkumari and she is a transgender. We could not thank her enough for her vigilance, her selflessness, her help, her concern. It is true, respect can never be demanded it is always earned. The level of respect I have for that lady and her entire community is beyond measures.

I still cross that signal every few days, we still exchange smiles and blessings, just a ‘’theek ho’’ is good enough. Days pass by but she still stands there doing the same routine every single day. People might look down upon her, treat her differently, some might not even care to lower their window. But, no one knows what her story is. No one can ever imagine what she goes through every single day. People might call her with different names but for me she is a lady with a pure heart, a genuine smile and a kind soul.

She might not even remember that day but it is deep embedded in my heart. She did not just help a girl in need, she indeed earned respect.

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Most commonly, the first thought that comes to your mind is, friendship is a bond between two people. Friendship is trust, smiles and spending quality time with your friends. I thought of all this but realized that she was definitely not looking for this generalized crappy description.  

So, over a cup of tea we started talking. My main motive was to read her mind and settle it down because she was so boggled up with things happening in her life. 

There are two kinds of people. One, the practical and the adjusting with life types and the other emotional, getting carried away kinds. So, my dear friend Sanjana was certainly in the second category. She loves people from the core of her heart but often forgets that all are not the same. The way you see others they don’t see you the same way. The feelings or the warmth you have for them , its not necessary that it shall be reciprocated… and there is a no ‘why’. Sometimes, people associate themselves with you for their own benefit and once its over, its over from their side. That is when you get hurt, thinking that you gave in your 100% and what you got back was selfishness.  

So, while talking I just told her to keep her expectations to a level where she can handle them. Not everyone can be a best friend. You know so many people but you cant call all of them your friends. You get that one or two friends in a lifetime whom you can actually call best friends. And seriously, you don’t have to search for them. It just happens!! It is the soul connection, the bond which is so strong that cannot be hampered by loss of communication or any silly misunderstanding. You are so similar despite your differences. It is that feeling of trust where you have no secrets, where you need not ask each other ‘what happened?’.  You know it even before the other person says it. 

You know you are with the right person, when you feel comfortable and at peace being in each other’s company. When you value someone you don’t find time in your busy schedule for them, instead you don’t see your schedule when they need you…. Its about prioritizing ! 

Sanjana was listening and then feeling a little low she said, ‘but what if you think the other person is your true friend and you feel so strongly for him/her and suddenly you realize you are not the same for him?’  .  For sometime I was silent because I had no reply to this.. I know how much it hurts when you get this ‘oh, I never thought about you that way’ attitude.  

 All I could tell her was, to stop running in search for a best friend… be your friend!! Love yourself, don’t let people take you for granted or simply walk in and walk out of your life. Once you have that radiance in you created by your own self, you’ll see what difference that has made in your life. The right person , at the right time will be there with you and maybe you won’t even know it until one day  you realize how important you are for that person. Stop chasing and it shall come to you!! 

Photo by Nate Greno on Unsplash

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You might be highly educated but an illiterate person might sometimes give you a chunk of advice which you might never forget. A small little thing can remind you of so many instances in your life, some happy some not so happy ones and that flashback takes you to a world you left long long ago. Everyone has a past, your life that once you lived with so much zeal , so many laughs, so many tears.

Every stage is the most difficult stage in life and once you crossed it, it seems to be easy.. like, after you finished today’s exam the questions appear to be so simple and the next exam seems to be like a mountain… same is life!! Every stage is difficult till you haven’t crossed it. When you look back then you realize what you earned and what you left behind.  

We often cry when we lose someone, we miss their presence, we miss their talks, their habits, and every small little thing. And we only do this when they are gone! The small act of care is easily ignored, a gesture of kindness is forgotten, a smile holds mere importance… but when all this goes away, you wish you could have it just once…. Just one more time!!  

While talking to someone today, a small sentence which was not new to me just sunk in…. breaking things is very easy, but mending them is sometimes impossible!! Situations, time, ego, priorities, anger, misunderstandings, all lead towards deterioration of not only relationships but also your own self.   

Mend the bridge before it breaks, try before you give up, wish before you lose hope, don’t leave the sunset for the sunrise! 

Photo by Austin Kehmeier on Unsplash

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